The hardest beginnings seem to be the ones that make me feel the most vulnerable. I hate being seen, I hate feeling exposed, I hate what other people might be thinking about me, I hate this entire process. I’m happiest at home reading a work of fiction. Not being seen. And at the same time I know that I’ve reached the point where I need to be more available to other people. I’m told repeatedly that I know things that other people can benefit from, that I’ve experienced things that others need to hear about so they know they aren’t alone, that I have a way of seeing and solving problems that some people are still struggling with.
As much as I’m hating the process of doing this, I’m setting up the framework to practice being vulnerable so I can get used to it. Maybe if I do it often enough I’ll be more comfortable with it. Although I really doubt it at the moment. I’m also doing this with the knowledge that most of this material will suck at first. Maybe if I do it often enough I’ll get better at it.
So, I just need to get this first horribly vulnerable feeling sucky first post out of the way so that everything else has the opportunity to be better.